Good morning,dudes and dudies. This is your very handsome captain GWB welcoming you to Nowhere Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery. This is our... one, two, ummmmm.... sixth flight to New York. We cannot guarantee that we will end up there but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if we are very lucky we may even be landing exactly in New York! A real American will land where he wants to, isn't that right fellas??
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry. Our staff has lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If however you are still worried then ask Stewardess Vampy to tell you about our out-of-court settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one!
If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary coffee during free-fall! Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to PanAm plane so that you can look at their movie through the window. Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes! we are very advanced at Nowhere Airways.
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Nowhere Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember the guy who crashed before hitting the White House? Well he is the one!
Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your tie to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead. Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Nowhere Airways. We may not always take you to your destination but a splash in the Atlantic is guaranteed!