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| My Best Friend's Wedding |
| 10.09.06 (1:53 am) [edit] |
|
(I Have removed the Pic Purposely)
Six years ago, we met each other in a chat room on the internet, we developed a very nice friendship with the passage of time (so far we have not met each other). 2 months after she met me, she met another guy on the internet, both of them fell in love with each other and within no time developed extreme fondness for each other. She kept me updated about her affair and i told her that i'm with her no matter what, warning her about the hazzards of the internet and telling her to be careful and all that. He turned out to be a very nice guy and belonged to her faith too, with a good business and a nice family too. The only problem with the guy was that he was married. No my friend was quite upset to find out this as she never wanted to ruin his family and kids, but she told me that she could not imagine to live without him. It was shocking for me to know that the guy is married, but i knew that she had gone too far in her love for the guy. I tried to convince her that its better to forget him and leave him alone with his family cause niether her parents will agree to it nor that guy will give up his family. Although she respected my advice but never took it (lolz.. i know you will read it ). Thanx to her that she shared every little thing with me and i advised her accordingly and i decided to stand by her no matter what. A time came when both of them decided to come to me and get married (their faith allows polygamy for men) without any consent of His or Her family. I agreed and told her that i will make all sorts of arrangements required. But again they changed their mind. Finally they got married in secret, without even informing the close family or friends, without even informing me. I was with her then, i am with her now and i will stand by her side always, no matter she takes right decisions or wrong , i will be with her and support her in every way i can. She is indeed a lovely friend. Recently she sent me this photograph and this is her bridal dress, she is living alone, he is living with his family and kids. He does not have to support her financially (necessarily), she lives on her own, but she is far more happy this way, she says i just need his name, his love and a feeling that he is mine and that is sufficient to pass this life. He can hardly afford to give her few hours a day and sometimes not even those but she never complains. I wish them both a happy life ahead i know its hard for her to live like this all her life but she married to nothingness. Did they do the right thing ? Will she be able to pass all her life like this? what should he do ? should he tell his family and his wife about the new marriage? Should he not give more time to her? She is my very best net friend and i am really worried about her and though im always with her but i think it was too early for her to get married, they could have taken some more time and thought it over.
|
posted by: 0hdgk7 (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (4:39 am)
woah..she's soo pretty...!! i hope they did the right thing but i can't help worrying about their families who's still in the dark..and you've been very supportive friend-i really appreciate that..!!I pray that everything will turnout okay...their families would find out about the marriage sooner or later..and i think it's best they do the job themselves than have their families know it by somebody else...
posted by: sudeshpoojari (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (5:20 am)
According to me she did the wrong thng, if u ask me this is evry girls prob, thy think once thy got tht one loving guy thy shd not let him go, just imagine a guy who has kids and a wife cheats thm, how can u trust such a guy tht he will not cheat in future, well i appreciate wht u did, but if i were i wldn't have supported her, whn i see my frnd goin into hell, definetly no, i wld have rather stopped her till last moment,
whts done is done, nothing can be changed, but just blur her face, tht no body identifes her.
posted by: appletree (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (7:39 am)
Love is difficult to understand..... sometime is happy but sometime is sad..
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:53 am)
Reply to: 0hdgk7
yeah she is pretty. Love just happens and often people are blinded by the love, you dont really know what you are doing. Hope n pray that everything goes fine for them in the future.even if their families come to know, their marriage can not be undone. You are right their failies will know it sooner or later and i wonder what will happen?
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:01 am)
Reply to: sudeshpoojari
you are right, i tried my best to stop her, to make her understand the consequences. We discussed each and every angle of the issue. I was against the marriage innitially but when she was adamant then i had to be with her coz she needed support and a shoulder to cry on, how could i ever refuse this to my best friend?
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:08 am)
Reply to: appletree
i wish and pray that her love never saddens her.
posted by: namm (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:25 am)
i hope and pray for her tht she remains happy and live life with her Loved ones....i really like this story....it has given me gooseflesh.........
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:33 am)
Reply to: namm
thanx namm your prayers really matter.
posted by: vicz (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (10:45 am)
I can't imagine when his first wife know about her. Love is not blind, but people make the love blinds. I think, he must tell the truth what has happened, as a responsible man.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (6:17 pm)
I cannot believe in 2006 there is a woman who would be satisified with this type of arrangment. I don't mean to offend but as a married woman I think it is deplorable that anyone would keep this 'secret'. How dishonest and unfair to his wife and children, how degrading to her to be the 'other' woman--I almost typed 'kept other woman' but the slimey man doesn't even have to do that. I am disgusted.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:39 pm)
Reply to: vicz
yeah right, as a responsible man he must tell, but if seen from their perspective , you never know whats the actual situation, how good or bad it can get if he announces it in his family. We dont try to see things from other's perspective and only see it from our own angle.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:24 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
i think they have done a legal thing (as per their faith), is it not better than millions who commit adultery ? is it not better than thousand who commit suicides due to such problems? is it not better than thousands who commit murders due to the same ?
posted by: Girlpower (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (9:58 pm)
That's why I love the internet, you can meet new people from all over the world.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (10:12 pm)
Reply to: Girlpower
read the entire story GP.
posted by: sebastianjoshua (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (12:01 am)
it happen to my wife's uncle. They almost divorce. 5 kids at that time. lucky 'old people' intervention saved their marriage.
franky speaking... be like me.... be honest... i got 3 kids... and MBA
evil opportuniy always exists
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (7:57 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
Maybe in a repressed country...maybe. I don't know I just thought we'd come a lot further than that, regardless of the faith. Suppose not.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (8:36 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Hey, Shannon, this is one of those instances where a culture not our own is operating on a completely different value system from ours. We can't hold our own ideals up to theirs and expect them to adhere to ours. They differ vastly. The idea of monogamy isn't necessarily considered the right or only way to live in this case. It isn't about the idea that a man is married to more than one woman, but about the lack of communication among the respective families. My understanding of this is that in order for the second marriage to take place appropriately, it does need to be made known to all involved, including the wife and children of the first marriage, and possibly her extended family. I am saddened to learn that the young woman has accepted the union on such terms as she has. Self esteem in women is not something as widely accepted or realized in some Eastern cultures.
As for whether she can pass this life in the situation she is currently in.. only time will tell. She may find that the small amount of him she gets is enough and she may also find that eventually, it isn't enough, causing the love she feels now to lessen. Since divorce isn't looked upon favorably (I believe), I do hope she finds contentment.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (8:45 am)
Reply to: sebastianjoshua
but i think its a different case altogether. Its not about saving a marriage , that time has passed now and now the guy is already riding in two boats. what should he do ? what my friend (girl) should do now ? what the guy's first wife should do when she comes to know about it?
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (9:14 am)
Reply to: lindy
I guess it is the secrecy that bothers me so much, regardless of the culture or the religion.
I really appreciate whisper's concern for his friend, I think he's justified in that. But, anytime deciet is a key factor in a relationship there's bound to be problems. Right? I don't even see this situation as a cultural difference but more a bad ethical decision. When you intentionally decieve the person you are committed to, that's just wrong--no matter where you live or what you believe. I really do have a hard time believing that any woman, no matter what her faith, can be satisified with limited interaction with her 'husband' and to have to live in secrecy--this isn't a difference in cultures it's human nature. I won't lie, it gets my goat everytime I hear something like this because I feel like it just perpetuates the male ego. I realize that this happens globally on a daily basis but it doesn't mean I have to like it. *falling off her soapbox*
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (9:20 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Polygamy (for men only) is a very common thing amongst the Muslims and is practiced and allowed in many muslim countries. Though abhored by the women , it is the (secret) dream of every other married man. Regardless of faith i think sleeping with women other than wife is secretly admired by many a men. As we all know the society (apparently) dislikes, men or women having relations other than their spouses, but i think all men are envious or may be jealous of a person who enjoys good relationing with women or who has a special luck with the ladies. Irony is that we dont even find a decent word for such men in the dictionary, only close word you find is in French "Courier" (a woman Chaser), why ? Adultery is a commomn problem in our societies (may it be any country) ? is it not a serious social problem ?
Coming back to the topic..... not really advocating polygamy but i think if it is allowed for them in their society, they have done the right thing, not committing adultery which, keeping aside all faiths, is a society sin.The wrong they have done is not informing (or getting permissio from) his wife , her parents and relatives. The real problems are yet to come.....
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (9:52 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
I think you're absolutely right, the problems are yet to come. And polygamy is not just a muslim practice, of course not but does it justify it ethically--I don't think so. I think we'd be hard pressed to find a man that would honestly say he wouldn't mind having a little variety when it comes to wives. Come on, if it were perfectly acceptable and didn't hurt anyone, I would love to have my husband and for kicks Brad Pitt on the side. This goes back to simple human nature. A relationship, ideally, is a union of two people. Not two people and then the man's OTHER choice. One thing I'm curious about, do your friend and her new husband live in the same city? Country?
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (10:02 am)
Reply to: lindy
First of all thanx for commenting in my blog , and i think its your first here. Thanx for that.
if we see this issue regardless of the faith and cultural differences, i think it is problem of all existing societies. If we dont keep our "eyes Wide Shut" Men tend to enjoy having secret marriages and keeping mistresses all over the world and women also have secret lovers. I hope there is no denying this fact.
i have already explained in a comment to Finalyfree that the real problems (as you highlight) are yet to come. I absolutely agree that it was a wrong thing to do , to really intrude and disturb the family. Point is you really cant help when you really fall in love. Both my friend and the guy were in extreme love with each other, and problem arises when they find out that its hard for them to live without each other anymore. Both could have serious problems if they had disclosed it (e.g. first wife of the man may have asked for a divorce and kids landing nowhere). The other option was to stay away from each other and the third she being his mistress forever, till he decided to get away with her. With my friends resolve, to keep living alone, not demanding anything, and spending as much time as he could afford, they got married. now what happens in future, only time can tell? apparently she is adamant to live all her life like this. I told her that its very difficult to live like this forever and ever. (as a matter of fact innitially she said that i only want to bear his child and i will go far away from him when he gives me one). Ohhhh i will never understand women........
Whatever has happened is past..... Question is what should my friend do now? what should the guy do now? and how to face the music when it is sounded? as nothing remains secret forever.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (10:15 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
you asked does it justify ethically ? well i think i purposely dont want to get in to that discussion. I have been a student of comparative religions and it has its own logics. its complex.
Yes they live in the same city.
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (10:22 am)
Wow, I am not sure I could sacrifice that much for a man I loved. I think the man should come clean.
Good for you for being such a supportive friend. Even though she has found love, I am thinking this may not be an easy time for her either?
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (5:15 pm)
Reply to: finalyfree
Do you think you would have respected the man had he told his wife and children about this other woman and then gone ahead with plans to marry her? I suspect your abhorance with this situation is really the adultry and with good cause, Shannon. With all that you've dealt with in the past, it's not a surprise that you'd be disgusted with this kind of behavior. I think more and more, Eastern cultures are moving away from polygamy, but clearly there are situations where it is still acceptable. What I find fascinating (and this is directed to 69whisper as well) is the idea that the man could lose his wife and children to a divorce if she wasn't willing to put up with it. Sounds to me like polygamy has become less tolerable in modern times and divorce has become more acceptable. If the mindset of Muslim women has changed to where they find polygamy offensive and are voicing their dissatisfaction, then I am glad to hear it.
69Whisper, it sounds like both your friend and her new lover/husband have some serious communication problems. Chances are that those problems will surface between the two of them as well. I certainly don't wish gloom and unhappiness on anyone, but I can't help but wonder if your friend is setting herself up for a sadder fate than she'd know living without her lover/husband. The idea of this woman wanting to bear the man's child and disappearing into the background upon conception is, well, a bit strange. It suggest emotional immaturity, but that's from my own perspective and cultural influences. I don't know if there is special significance (other than the obvious) in wishing to have someone's baby in such a circumstance.
posted by: sebastianjoshua (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (6:30 pm)
hmmm... this is become serious right now. My concern is kids. I don't care who's fault but kids become the main victim. And it is very painful when your family divorce. I know because my parent divorce when i was 3 and my mom at that time is pregnant(my younger brother).
And one thing for sure... your emotion will hurt alot
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (11:23 pm)
Reply to: sebastianjoshua
thats a fact , if there is a divorce kids suffer the most. But in this case so far he is not divorcing his first wife. And my friend loves his kids a lot (i know things get different when you have your own kids).....
Even my friend says that she does not want him to divorce his first wife. I dont know how but she has accepted life as it goes.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (11:35 pm)
Reply to: rosietulips
thanx for the comments. Yeah pretty much hard times she has seen but it was before she married him. Now she is much happier and relaxed. its about the future im afraid of.....
posted by: sebastianjoshua (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (11:53 pm)
hmmm... his wife and kids still dont know that he's having an affair with your friend. Am i correct.
And your friend accept the faith that she's in love with him
hmmm... it is hard for me to explain. life must go on... YES right now he's in love with your friend BUT how about 10 years from now or 20 years from now... is he still love her. If he can love other person... can he love ANOTHER person
one thing...
20 yrs from now his kids grown up and once our kids grown up and we are old, we need our kids attention. We dont want to die alone.
let me refrase this later
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (12:46 am)
Reply to: lindy
You said eastern cultures are moving away from polygamy, and i dont agree with this, have western cultures done away with it ? No. in some form or the other it is continued. Its there in various cultures for millions of years and it will continue, may be when it ends we will be back to square One.
Polygamy has not becoming tolerable however divorce in all the cultures of the world is becoming more and more acceptible. and similar is the case with the muslim societies world over specially the Asians (divorce ratio is much lower than the American and European communities). Muslims developed countries (where they are minorities) are influenced by their cultures and are more prone to divorce than their brothers/sisters living in underdevloped/third world muslim countries.
I dont know "his" perspective, can a person acheive such heights (or lows) in love that he gets ready to forego his wife and kids ? (i read it in some stories though), Sorry My sweet friend if you read it ) , but i still doubt why he did not divorce ? was it due to legal problems and so much money involved that he decided not to divorce/inform her wife and kids? Or was it love for them too ? Or was it that he could not take family/society pressure ? Or were it a mixture of all the factors?
i wonder if there are really some communication problems even after dating and seeing each other for 6 years or so ? If it is so, then you are right that the problems will start to surface and i wish not.
i wonder what problems can you have when you are hardly dating (meeting) for an hour or two, or may be you are going on a honey moon trip for a day or two, or just sleeping a night together once a week (may be), the woman not making any demands as wives do, not asking for any financial assistance ???
There is no special significance of her desire. its just that she felt so emotionaly attached to him that she wanted to have something from him and live all her life. when she said this to me i told her that you are just being an emotional fool and not very practical, its way hard for a woman to live a life like that, that too with a kid.But i think her mind was too occupied with love to listen to and understand such things. I have not been able to talk to her in detail after her marriage, and i dont know what she feels about this idea now.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (1:05 am)
Reply to: sebastianjoshua
yes you are right, his wife and kids dont know about his 2nd marriage with my friend.(you are mistaken about the faith, there is no such problem/issue).
what will happen after 10 or 20 years really hard to say and imagine, no secret remains a secret forever. Ultimately word will go to his wife or kids ears and i think earlier it goes the better it is. Nothing is end of life.... life goes on, even if everyone knows the life will still go on...... but then it really matters how sad or happy you are spending your life.
posted by: sebastianjoshua (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (1:26 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
sorry... she is the second wife???hmmm...
This is a true story... my auntie's husband married a second wife last february without anybody know. Suddenly my auntie's friend saw him with another woman and report to her.
The secret blown off, disaster, twister... everything and now they are preparing to divorce. My cousins' age are 15, 12 and 9.
My auntie had to take sleeping pills... 17 years marriage destroy because of 3rd person.
so... as usual kids got the worst hit
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (6:58 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
Oh I didn't mean to put you in a situation to defend her decision, I apologize for that. When I asked if the choice was ethical it was intended to be broad based. I wondered if they lived in the same city because it would greatly improve their chances as being seen as a 'couple' thus leading to the exposing of the marriage.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (7:03 am)
Reply to: lindy
I can't say I would have respected the man more, becausse I think the act of polygamy garners no respect. It's selfish and hurtful to the most innocent people. I do hope the practice is becoming less tolerable, and yes it's because of my own experiences I feel that way. Adultry in any form is bad enough but for a woman to basically give her husband 'permission' to do it? Nuh-uh, no-way. Why should any woman settle for that, and I mean either wife. We as human beings deserve better. It's (adultry) is a tough pill to swallow when it comes totally as a surprise, but to know about it and put up with it? What kind of self worth could that woman have? Regardless of how long the practice has been taking place.
You just know me too well, heh!
posted by: Lindy (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (9:27 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Well, I'm just glad you didn't get offended that I drew on what you've shared about yourself to pinpoint your strong feelings. I agree, self worth is very much in question here when adultry is tolerated or engaged in.
Reply to: 69whisper: I do not know if all of Western culture has done away with polygamy, but I do know that the last known religion practicing it here in the United States, Mormonism, banned it in the early twentieth century. It is my understanding that polygamy in Western cultures is illegal. I assume that polygamy, while still acceptable by some Muslim societies, is becoming less frequent with the allowance of divorce; divorce being seen as a right granted to women as well as men. Divorce is now a consequence that could result due to plural marriages and could be a deterent, which seems to be true in the case of your dear friend - otherwise, he'd have told his first wife, I imagine. It would be of worth to find information pertaining to the increase or decline of polygamy. I've heard it said that polygamy was instituted due mostly to the idea that women outnumber men in society and that it was more of a courtesy as opposed to a fantasy. Your thoughts on the subject seem to differ from that idea, which makes me wonder how others feel about it. I am sure there are women out there who find it degrading. I've also heard it said that some women don't find it degrading; that there are women who prefer to marry a man already married because he has a proven track record of treating his wife well. I think the Quran puts restrictions on polygamy, no? Such as a limit of four wives, and that they are each to be treated justly and equally. If a women wants more in a marriage than financial security, such as an equal partner, and unshared, devoted love, then clearly, polygamy isn't the choice for her - but does she always have the choice? Are arranged marriages on the decline as far as you know? It sounds like your friend isn't concerned with gaining a husband who will treat her justly and equally. Yet, she also is not concerned with having a husband that will provide for her either, which makes me think she is not thinking clearly due to infatuation. One thing is clear, her new husband hasn't followed the Quran in how he has handled his second marriage. I thought a man taking on a second wife was supposed to be able to provide for her and any children they produce. And that if he can't, then the Quran states that he should have only one wife. But I may be wrong about that. I appreciate your insight as I have very little in this situation.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (10:33 am)
Reply to: Lindy
Pulleezzee, offend moi? heh
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (11:58 pm)
Reply to: sebastianjoshua
thanx for relating seb.... yeah its true things like this ultimately end up in disaster specially when you try to keep them hidden from the world. and thats what i am afraid of for my friend. I know she reads it. She already knows my thoughts. i will also tell her to make her husband read it too, so that both of them know how people are thinking about their marriage. This why i am trying to generate a discussion here, peoples thoughts (from various parts of the world) may tell them something, may give them a message, may suggest them an action or a future course to be taken.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (12:19 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
lolzzz... i will defend her till i can, come what may, coz thats the only thing i can do for her. She has always trusted me and has unshakeable faith in me , how can i betray her so much trust? When she has taken a decision, i am with her. I think you would have dont the same too ? (please also read the reply i posted to sebastianjoshua). i am grateful the you and lindy have generated a useful positive discussion here which definitely will help the cause of the post. and please dont think that i am offended by anything here, its a free world, please feel free to comment, suggest, opine whatever you want. i hope (the intended readers) will gain something positive out of it. I mean no harm to any one. I just want a respectable, justified, wise and agreeable decision for all (which seems impossible to me).
thanx again :)
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (2:52 am)
Reply to: lindy
you are right about the legal prohibitions in the west. But how can we be sure of the illegal practices, which have never stopped? Do i know how many secret lovers my wife is seeing ? or does she know how many keeps (mistresses) or how many wives (illegal marriages) am i keeping outside her home? and this is a very common practice. Where every 5th American is committing incest, there every 2nd (or more) American is involved in an extra-marital relationship..... (forget it... figures are horrific).
Polygamy is very much legal in all muslim societies (and all muslim countries as Quran allows it and no muslim court of Law can ever be in contradiction with the Quran). The frequency of 2nd, 3rd or even 4th marriage by a single muslim man can be determined mainly by the riches he enjoy. Poor man, who can not make both ends meet can hardly think of a second marriage. A person earning a mediocre living may get involved in some love affair and may just think of marrying a 2nd when he has enough money, a person earning a moderate living , or a little more than he needs, may like to go for it (like the situation under discussion), a little more rich will do it announcing all around, and an oiler may have 4 wives at a time with as big a house to have 4 separate portions in it, each for family growing from each wife (as many Arabs have more than one wife). As 70% of muslims are living below poverty line (im not sure about this figure, please correct me if i am wrong) they can not think of a second marriage, 20% fall in to second category i stated, they dont have time or money to think about it. One in a thousand may be like an arab i stated.
Mainly i draw 2 basic reasons for muslims for being reluctant in marrying a 2nd wife.
1. Lack of resources
2. They can hardly do justice with first wife how will they manage justice with 2nd (condition imposed by Quran).
and i think due to these 2 major reasons only hardly 1 or 2 % end up with a second marriage (without divorcing the first). This frequency has more or less remained the same over 1400 years. Divorce by men and women was equally allowed for muslims from day one to date. Yess frequency of divorce has increased as the values have changed, values have changed coz now the entire world is there to influence the values, east adopting some of west and vice versa.Now people think it easy to divorce (the most abhored but allowed (legal) thing by Quran) than to stay together all their lives in misery. Which i think is perfectly fine ,when 2 people can not live together any more and decide to divorce , why not? why should they keep living together in a state of discomfort and distress ? they have right to have as many a chances as they can afford to make their life better n better.(they should not make it a habit though).
Now how uneasy is my Firends husband with his first wife, only he knows. Why was this 2nd marriage (with my friend) necessary ? was it just to fulfil his duty towards his beloved ? (coz she felt extreme love) or was it just for pleasure as he knew he does not have any obligations to my friend? or was it just an escape adventure from the routine?
How can we determine in this particular scenario, that divorce is a deternt or the polygamy ? Is it polygamy avoiding a divorce ? or a divorce (if carried out) detering polygamy ? I hope you get the question?
Now about the idea behinde polygamy, )
1. scientifically it is proved that female infants have more resistance than the male again various diseases.
2. Number of men dieing in a single day is more than the women (as men are more prone to accidents etc)
3. World looses hundreds and thousands of men during wars.
4. Human nature of tasting variety.
5. It could curb the sex related crimes.
6. it could lesson the frustration.
there can be many more logics given in the favour of polygamy. i purposely was not highlighting this and was only attributing it to our common problem wich is adultery or sexual abuse or men and women going right and left to find out their sexual solutions (that is only one factor why polygamy was suggested). and i agree that it was more of courtesy and save the woman/mankind move rather than to fulfill the desires.... but seeing it as a whole it addressed a common social problem, which always was there and will remain.
Quran only puts one restriction on polygamy and that is Justice, which is i think a very hard one. and this is why thousands of muslims only marry once all their lives even if they could afford to have and maintain a second wife. Thousands dont marry again as they know they will be unable to do justice with the kids.
With regards to women or different people and how they think about it, i think there can be as many opinions as many people commenting. some will like the idea and some will not. i will add here, why these day a trend of marrying a married man amongst the women is on the rise? it is because they are only more secure financially. You will not find a girl marrying a poor fella who can hardly support his wife and kids.
You are right that he has not followed the Quran as he is hiding his marriage which is prohibited, two he is not fulfilling his duties towards her as he needs to even divide his time in equal 2 between 2 wives, if we talk of JUSTICE, he needs to divide his property/wealth in a justified manner so as to 2 wives and all kids get prescribed amount of share. (dont mind if i add here that the trio is in a European country where it is illegal and as i told earlier in the same city)...lolzz and its true.
About my friend ..... i think she is too innocent, too overwhelmed by the love she found........ what can you expect from a girl whose mother dies of a terrible disease only to leave her with the father who makes no mistake marrying again with the sister of her mother? what can you expect from a girl who has been denied love all her life? what can you expect from a girl who has been denied many things which she wanted ? What can you expect from a girl who finds love for the first time? what can you expect from a girl who can not really share her feelings or confide in anyone less a younger sister and an internet friend ? what can you expect from a girl who has no one to advise her properly and make her understand or force any decisions? I think these are the reason which lead her to an immature decision.(and it might be her kiddish behaviour, untameable attitude and unshakeable love that a married man with kids agreed to be as kiddish as she) But i cant even say it was immature as she (and he too) took almost 5 years to reach this point and as i saw her love from day one todate, it remained unshakeable. I am really convinced of her determintaion and love for him and i do appreciate a lot (it is nowhere to be found these days, a Juliet is born again). About him and his love for her ..... i really dont know..... and i think it is all worth it if he proves his love equally.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (8:45 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
Wow, the information here is quite something, 69w. I appreciate you putting so much into this. It's difficult to understand when I'm so clearly on the outside. Everything you've said makes sense. And it's true that there are cases of illegal polygamy in the US - in fact, I believe someone was recently apprehended for this recently, I read about it in the news. I do understand the question you brought up, of whether divorce is a deterent for polygamy or if polygamy is helping to avoid a divorce. In the case of your friend, it would appear that polygamy might be helping to avoid a divorce, though I do wonder.. if polygamy wasn't an option, what he would do about the situation. It's silly to even think about, since polygamy is so firmly embedded in the culture. All of these things you have described about your friend very much add up and make sense as to why she is doing what she is doing. With the man, I think there is a strong question of right and wrong. With your friend, I think she is doing what her heart tells her to and you can't fault her for that. I do hope for a happy resolution for her. And even though you are restricted to just internet interaction, I'm glad she has you to talk with when she needs to confide in someone. Thanks for allowing all my questions.
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (11:19 am)
I have many things I want to say, but the only thing I will say, that I feel is appropriate to say is - my, this is a complicated matter. I think you're doing the right thing.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (11:51 am)
Reply to: lindy
i am sicerely thankful to you and Finalyfree (Shannon) for creating a healthy dialogue around here. I really appreciate. I will like my friend and her husband to read it all and determine rights and wrongs and also be careful with the legal and illegal things which ultimately can cause them harm. Life is complex and why to make it more complex? y friend's husband needs to take some decision (which will be hard now in all kind of options available). Firstly i will recommend he shoud settle down in a country where it is legal, 2ndly he should disclose his 2nd marriage come what may, 3rdly he should abide by the rules of his faith and do justice to both of his wives and lastly he should take good care of my friend or be ready to face the music. :)
thanx again.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (11:55 am)
Reply to: SupremeAnna
please feel free to say everything you want to say. it may help. Thanx for your support. I appreciate.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (1:15 pm)
Reply to: 69whisper
I'm so glad to hear that you havve both of their ears for the listening. I hope it helps. :)
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.12.06 (3:30 pm)
After reading this post along with all the previous comments, and spending quite a bit of time thinking the matter through, I've decided to add my thoughts:
Zowie.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.13.06 (9:47 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
I appreciate the opportunity to voice my own personal opinion without offending you, or anyone else. Thank you for that ;)
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.13.06 (11:20 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
not enough surry. I expect more from you. :
thanx.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.14.06 (5:34 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
I'll come back to it and make an halfwaydecent comment at some point, but I've read through this a couple of times and I honestly don't know how to respond to it.
Initial Thought:
The whole idea disturbs me to my core, but then, who am I to judge?
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.15.06 (1:15 am)
Reply to: surrogate
well, you are welcome any time , the post is here coz i want people to judge, i am argueing coz i have my own point of view and own perspective about the whole thing, how people see it does not disturb me ... coz i understand each person has his own view point, and so is the case with My friend and her husband..... and i certainly want to know why the whole idea has disturbed you ????
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.15.06 (8:26 am)
Reply to: surrogate
If I'm going to judge, then I'd say your friend needs professional help, and a lot of it.
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 10.15.06 (10:22 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
Well, mostly I would say, you are doing your best, as I've said and all your friend needs is support, because nothing anyone says can reach her now, I would believe.
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