1)
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same
sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to
bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea...let's
pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggled the woman.
"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket."
2)
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV, and
rudely tells his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts".
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts".
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks for another beer.
The wife says, "Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't
been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. You
haven't taken out the trash yet, and the light bulb in the kitchen is still
out. And how about the filter in the furnace? The garage is a mess, and when
are you going to shovel snow off the sidewalk? I'm getting fed up with this.

The husband looks up and mumbles, "NOW it starts..."
3)
At a pharmacy, good old buddy Jessi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby
he held in his arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs
but said that he would figure the infant's weight by weighing the man and
baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the father alone and
subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered Jessi. "I'm not the father, I'm the uncle."