1)
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day
and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a
condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full
erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look
under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go
underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
2)
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner,
walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer.
I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes
in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed
potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the
owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that
the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner
sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down,
the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I
already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep
whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
3)
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and
that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked
what he did and God told him that he cheated on his
income taxes, and that the only way he could get into
heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid,
butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous
woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up
ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked
him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated
on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a
lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and
figured that as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help
pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were
walking along, minding their own business when Tony
and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend
Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely
drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned,
Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was
their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not
complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of
my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the
best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.
There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand.
After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"