Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: 

1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards

Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry. Our staff has lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If however you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out-of-court settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one!

If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary coffee during free-fall! Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to an Air France plane so that you can look at their movie through the window. Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes! We are very advanced at Nowhere Airways.

Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Nowhere Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House? Well he is the one!

Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your own belt to the door handle. And for those of you, who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead. Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Nowhere Airways. We may not always take you to your destination but a splash in the Atlantic Ocean is guaranteed!

Be careful while you answer, No one will GET second chance to impress

Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...

Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to ! pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"

The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match for my sister than you sir"

Question 3: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate. Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.

You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that coffee was kept before.

(Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet) Reply was "TEA" ( T - alphabet)

Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

• .hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma } My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
  
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .
  
• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
  I asked her, "Where's the car?"
  She replied, "In the lake."
  
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
  
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
  So I got myself two girlfriends.
  
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
  The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  
• A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
  The next day he received a hundred letters.
  They all said the same: "You can have mine."
  
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
  It only seems longer.
  
• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
  
• A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
  The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and
  beat me till I'm half dead."
  
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.