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| How To Speak English When You are in London |
| 07.02.09 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
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Santa Singh once went to Banta Singh's House and said "Oye Banteya, lets go to London."
Banta Singh replied "Yes Santa, par mainu English nahin aati" (I can't speak English)
Santa Singh assures Banta Singh that his English skills are Better than Average, and that he'd take care of him in London.
Santa and Banta reach London, and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road. A Gori Mem (English Lady) pulls up behind them in her car and starts of in English, "You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don't you have any regard for the traffic rules in this country, blah, blah".
Santa Singh turns around, looks at the Gori Mem (English Lady), and starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk pace:
"To the Principal, Government High secondary school, Village Noorpur, Post Office Noorpur, Tehsil Jalandhar, District Jalandhar, Punjab, India. Sir ... I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday, and my family doctor has recomended bed rest! .... Please grant me two days sick leave Your's Obediently .... Santa Singh."
The Gori (English Lady) is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa Singh, and quietly gets into her car and leaves.
Banta Singh is amazed. He runs up to Santa and says "Oye Santa, tu taan phate chak dite"! Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke"
(You put that gori (English Lady) back in her place, your English sounds better than hers.)
Santa Shrugs off Banta and says:
"Oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin, je jaada tain tain kardi na .... mainu 'Thirsty Crow' te 'Greedy Daag' Dono aande se dono suna dene se"
(That was only a sample, if she would have stuck around I would have recited 'thirsty crow' and 'Greedy dog' for her as well
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| La MonaliBean - Bean-a-Lisa - The 2009 Version of Mona Lisa |
| 07.02.09 (6:25 am) [edit] |
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2 Comments
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| Coats |
| 07.01.09 (9:31 pm) [edit] |
- If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined and gifted-there is practically nothing she can’t do. You have to go back to the Children's Crusade in 1212 AD to find as unfortunate and fatuous an attempt at manipulated hysteria as the Women's Liberation Movement. Helen Lawrenson, American Journalist
- Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don’t are ladies. This is however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn’t put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. Frances (Fran) Ann (Annie) Lebowitz (Leibovitz), American Author/Journalist
- Woman should be obscene and not heard. John Winston Ono Lennon, British Rock Star
- Woman Is The Nigger of the World. John Lennon & Yoko Ono, British Rock Composers
- But if God had wanted us to think with our wombs, why did He give us a brain? Clare Boothe Luce, American Diplomat/Journalist
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| Railway Staff |
| 07.01.09 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
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Banta Singh is travelling in a train. On the way, he feels the urge to go to the toilet. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, and sees a Sardar ji inside; quickly apologizes, and comeback to his seat, not realizing that he had only looked into the mirror in the bathroom.
Repeated attempts prove futile as every time Banta opens the door, he finds the same Sardar in the exact same position. Not being able to take it anymore, he hunts down the conductor who happens to be another Sardar by the name of Santa Singh, and relates his sorry tale.
The Conductor Santa Singh promises to take a look, goes to the Bathroom to oust the offender, and returns with a sheepish look on his face. "What's wrong?", asks Banta. To which the conductor replies, "I'm sorry, brother I can’t do anything, this man is a railway staff member".
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| How to Steal ? |
| 06.29.09 (9:05 pm) [edit] |
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A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical lab.
The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. However, by mistake he overturned a vase.
Owner : Who's that?
Master: Miaooow...
The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.
The sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow sardars. He does so and follows the same
schedule of theory classes.
Then he goes for the lab with his pupils. He enters the house of a rich sardar in darkness, and tells the other sardars,
"These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe." He then goes and overturns a vase.
Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )
Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am a cat)
Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. A cat.)
...and goes back to sleep.
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| Kotes ;) |
| 06.28.09 (11:24 pm) [edit] |
- Love, for too many men in our time, consists of sleeping with a seductive woman, one who is properly endowed with the right distribution of curves and conveniences and one upon whom a permanent lien has been acquired through the institution of marriage. Montague Francis Ashley Montagu, British Writer
- Falling out of love is very enlightening, for a short while you see the world with new eyes. Dame Jean Iris Murdoch, British Writer
- The only abnormality is the incapacity to love. Angela Anaïs Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell, French Novelist
- To an ordinary human being love means nothing if it does not mean loving some people more than others. Eric Arthur Blair (George Orwell), British Essay Writer/Novelist
- Love is universal, and love is easy to merchandise. Warner Pagliara, American Business Executive
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2 Comments
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| How to buy a Clock ? |
| 06.28.09 (3:00 am) [edit] |
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A Sardar once visits Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. The Sardar replies "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardar figured he was taken.
The next day the Sardar is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
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| Obituary - Michael Jackson (1958 - 2009) |
| 06.25.09 (9:18 pm) [edit] |
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Michael Joseph Jackson 1958 - 2009 R.I.P.
Remember Michael 'YOU ARE NOT ALONE' (Video Courtesy YouTube) Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone
'Lone, 'lone, Why, 'lone
Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone
Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there
You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone
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9 Comments
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| Use of Cocoa |
| 06.25.09 (11:36 am) [edit] |
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According to recent estimates, nearly 1-in-3 American adults has high blood pressure. But for the Kuna Indians living on a group of islands off the Caribbean coast of Panama , hypertension doesn't even exist. In fact, after age 60, the average blood pressure for Kuna Indian islanders is a perfect 110/70.
Is it because they eat less salt? No. Kuna Indians eat as much, if not more salt, than people in the U.S.
Is it due to their genes? No. Kuna Indians who move away from the islands are just as likely to suffer from high blood pressure as anyone else!
So what makes these folks practically "immune" to hypertension -- and lets them enjoy much lower death rates from heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, and cancer?
Harvard researchers were stunned to discover it's because they drink about 5 cups of cocoa each day. That's right, cocoa!
Studies show the flavonols in cocoa stimulate your body's production of nitric oxide -- boosting blood flow to your heart, brain, and other organs. In fact, one study found cocoa thins your blood just as well as low-dose aspirin!
But that's not all. A Harvard Medical School professor claims cocoa can also treat blocked arteries, congestive heart failure, stroke, dementia, even impotence!
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| Applying For US Visa |
| 06.24.09 (11:14 pm) [edit] |
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Banta Singh and Santa Singh, the two famous friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of New York, United States of America. Banta was first interviewed by the officer in charge.
"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to New York", he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant.
"Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen?
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colours. Enjoy your trip."
Banta then rejoined Santa in the waiting room, and described his experience.
"It was very easy. That very nice officer sahib asks you two questions, and the answers are "I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you will get the visa straight away."
So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Santa Singh, went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach:
"What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr. Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that
cutting off your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?"
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself. If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my
left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"
Santa got his visa.
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| Two Choices - (Copy Pasting A Mail from A Friend) |
| 06.23.09 (10:18 pm) [edit] |
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What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued.. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.
The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'
So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward
May your day, be a Shay Day.
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| More Quotes |
| 06.22.09 (9:42 am) [edit] |
- Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness. Time 1978
- Human rights apply equally to Soviet dissidents, Chilean peasants and American women. Barbara Jordan, American politician
- It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
- Men are brought up to command, women to seduce. To admit the necessity of seductions is to admit that one has not the strength to command.
- Woman are the true maintenance class. Society is built upon their acquiescence and upon their small and necessary labours.
- The fact is that one cannot talk in feminist terms without revealing feelings which have been traditionally regarded as neurotic.
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